Friday, April 2, 2010

Long Night

So I'm sitting here trying to wake up. It's not working. Last night was fun but wow, not something I could do every day. Most of the muscles in my body are sore.

Interesting things happened last night. I was around B for a while...he showed up, sort of uninvited. Not only was it awkward to have him around my family member but he would not leave. He was completely out of place where we were at and it was just...odd. I didn't want to be rude and tell him to go away, so I made conversation with him but it was uncomfortable. Maybe he felt it was ok to show up out of the blue because of the email i sent him about a scenario I wanted to have again one day. It included me riding him in the back of his pickup, which this morning, would have been a very fun way to start the day. Anyways, maybe he felt that it would happen last night. I did let him know that if by chance I did see him I wouldn't be able to talk long. After a while he finally left and we went in where we were going with J in tow. He looked very nice actually, out of place, but handsome in his clean cut white button up shirt, and dress shoes.




*random thought -- someone once asked me, how do i remember and keep track of everyone? My response was...one in my heart, the rest are the sprinkles. They each have their own unique ways and personalities, so each one holds my attention in different ways. Makes sense right?*

Sitting at the bar with my friends, I sat just looking around and I realized there was an extremely attractive 30-something man standing by himself next to me. Gorgeous dimples, some of the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen and a smile that just seemed genuine. Out of the corner of my eye, while talking to everyone, I could see him keep glancing over at us every few moments. So finally, after about an hour, he taps my shoulder and whispers in my ear "Do you know who this is playing?". I had no clue, so I told him it was someone I had never heard before, of course the conversation sparked from there. I noticed he had on a wedding ring and I let him know I saw it. He mentioned the two of them sort of did their own thing and asked about mine, I said the same and that was that. After a while when we all moved to a different part of the building, these crowds were beginning to form, and I was pushed a bit by someone passing by. This man not only caught me but he wrapped his arms around me, clasping his hands together on my stomach. I found that to be very sweet surprisingly, he didn't keep them there very long. He moved his hands to my hips while we were standing there with me in front of him and pulled me up firmly against him. Wow. Very nice. A bit later I backed off from him slightly because I could feel the chemistry that was between us and since I didn't really the know the man, I didn't want anything extreme to happen. We had a few more nice conversations, a sweet hug, exchanged names and that was the end of our meeting. It was quite interesting having that sort of chemistry so quickly. Made for a fun night.


J saw everything that went down and I could see it bothered him. In a way, I'm glad it did. What he had done actually hurt me and he knew it. I know you all don't know the story behind that but J was a man I have known for many many years, we were insanely close, he knew things about me most people would never know and he ended up confessing that he was in love with me. With which I told him I loved him too (which I do but its sort of like how I love my brother, or sister) but I didn't want to be with him, he was my best friend and if he couldn't handle it, being just that, then so be it. He said he was ok with that, until one night during a drunken stupor he betrayed my trust, let a lot of things out to people that should have not known certain things and broke the bond that we had. I am having problems forgetting what happened. I forgive decently well, because obviously I have a lot that needs to be forgiven as well, but forgetting is a different thing.

I'm sitting here reading what I just wrote and it makes me sound so cold. Maybe I am in a way, I think that deep down I like to see someone that hurt me hurt as much as they made me hurt. I do not intentionally find a way to hurt them though. If that makes sense at all. I know that a plethora of people out there feel the same way. They just may never admit it. I would really prefer to just make people happy, I don't go out of my way to try to hurt people, but if someone does something to me on purpose and it hurts me badly, then when I see them in pain it doesn't bother me.

On happy notes, it is Friday! My weekends are busier than the week so I'm sure I'll probably have very little sleep and still get nothing I would like to accomplished. At least I wont be looking at four computers constantly for a few days, right? Now that I have written a novel I will go.

1 comment:

  1. Don't feel bad about how you feel. What J did was absolutely unforgivable in my book, and there aren't many things that I feel that strongly about. Especially with someone who is supposed to be a friend.

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